UrbanRhetoric

UrbanRhetoric

4.30.2011

Negropedia....by pemora

Okay, here are a couple of things you need to do today:

1. go to The Assimilated Negro and start reading NOW. Wait, maybe not right NOW, but in a couple of seconds
2. pre-order Negropedia
3. thank UrbanRhetoric for putting you on to one of the funniest dudes in the game (not sure which 'game', exactly, but it just seemed an appropriate way to end that sentence)

Seriously, support friend to UR, Patrice Evans. He is about to blow up with a couple of very interesting and highly amusing projects....I am just trying to help you, oh faithful reader, stay on top of your pop culture game (maybe THAT was the game I was talking about).



Edit: This is one of those great projects I was talking about...check out a recent ESPN's Media Zone announcement.

4.28.2011

Throwback Thursday.....Don't Walk Away

I distinctly remember thinking that I could be the 4th member of Jade. Forget the fact that I was in the 8th grade, mouth full of braces, and out of control frizzy hair. I was convinced.

By the way, I was also convinced that this song just SPOKE TO ME. Did I mention that I was in the 8th grade? Uhm, yeah.....

4.10.2011

Your Highness [movie ]....by IMTHATDUDE

YOUR HIGHNESS

Save your bread people. Please. I’ll say it plainly. Do not pay to see this movie.If you MUST see it, find it online. Find a “hook up” on Fulton street. Trick someone else into paying for it. You’d be better off sprinkling salt on your hard earned cash and literally eating it – or, depending on your proclivities, smoking it – a movie ticket these days is about as much as a pack of cigarettes or that other stuff, no?

Written by Danny McBride and Ben Best, Your Highness stars McBride (Eastbound and Down, The Foot Fist Way) and directed by David Gordon Green (Pineapple Express - which I hated - and All the Real Girls), Your Highness boasts some of Hollywood’s brightest talents. Yet, two exceptional actors cannot make this crapfest less crappy. In fact, both Natalie Portman and my girl Zooey Deschanel (500 Days of Summer) did like the Knicks do (with Melo and Stoudemire) against the Lebronless Cavs – they played down to the level of their competition. Sorry. Still love you both, but… eh. This was far from good work. Also lending their time to this weird almost amusing feature are an inexplicably effeminate James Franco (you kind of can’t miss this guy these days, he’s everywhere), Justin Theroux (Mullholland Drive, American Psycho), Damian Lewis (Dreamcatcher and NBC’s short-lived, Life) as Booremont, Charles Dance (Gosford Park, Scoop), and Rasmus Hardiker (I Want Candy) as Courtney, the sidekick/squire/jester and a Farscape looking perverted puppet.

IF YOU MUST KNOW:

You might not have heard me when I said don’t waste your doe. But since you did me the courtesy of continuing to read this review… It’s the story of the herb smoking prince philandering slovenly screw-up prince Thaddeus (McBride) who is on the verge of being banished unless he steps up his princely game and starts to elevate himself from the shadow of his older brother Fabious (Franco). Fabious, of course, is well-loved by King Tallious (Dance) and the entire kingdom. So Fabious post-vanquishing one of the kingdom’s foes has returned home and brought back a virgin wife, Belladonna (Deschanel). Belladonna is swiftly kidnapped by the villain warlock Leezar (Theroux) and Thaddeus must join Fabious on the quest to save Belladonna. On the quest they meet with a variety of obstacles and cross paths with the lovely and deadly Isabel. Blah, blah, blah. A ton of crude jokes – which, I ordinarily love, but could barely muster a laugh at in this movie – and some random topless clan of women later, I found myself checking my watch and wondering when it would all be over. In my best Danny Glover voice, maybe “I’m getting too old for this sh!t.” Well, not really. But, I’m definitely too smart for it and, since you’re reading this, you are too.

The most interesting thing about this movie is the thought that either Zooey or Natalie (or both) might have some silly love scene or MIGHT flash a bit of breastage. Please be advised - THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN. Nor should anyone with half a brain have expected either of them to be so foolish as to have such a scene in this kind of movie. However, as one of the stoners in the theater quipped about Portman to his fellow stoner “dude, I didn’t think she’d do a nude scene, but I heard there was nudity and Natalie Portman already got her Oscar, so…I mean all those breasts and she couldn’t even show us a nip or something.” I, literally, laughed out loud. While Natalie has continued the tradition of following an Oscar winning performance with an awful movie choice (See Halle Berry, Charlize Theron, and whatever dumb ass film Monique will do post-Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire), she’s no dummy – so, negative on the Portman breastage. Stoner #1 did have a point in his own weirdly logical way. At least it was funny to hear her say something about her “burning beaver.” Stoner #2 posed an interesting reply

(completely unrelated to the immediately preceding comment by his friend, Stoner #1), “Bro, why didn’t this movie come out on 4-20?” THAT is a great question. And with that, finding myself confounded by the interrogative of a random moviegoer who smelled heavy of the purple/kush or whatever those kids are smoking these days, I think I will conclude this review here. Even high, this movie wouldn’t be funny. Of that, I am pretty damned sure.

That Dude gives Your Highness: 2

RATING SYSTEM:

1. They make crap this pure?
2. Couldn’t be more under-whelmed.
3. Not too shabby, I won’t ask for my money back.
4. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good./Worth the 12 bucks.
5. Why are you reading this and not seeing this movie? Jackass.

HANNA [movie review]....by IMTHATDUDE

HANNA

“I just missed your heart.” Hanna, the titular character, utters this phrase near the start of the film. (I like saying TITular – I told you before I’m still a kid in spirit.) What an accurate metaphor for this movie. That line is so incredibly important. It is where they drew me into the film and the precise moment they LOST me. That will become clear to you if you see the movie.

Let’s get to the deets…

The story’s by Seth Lochhead; it’s written by Lochhead and David Farr (you’ll probably have to be a fan of British TV to know Farr’s work – Spooks/MI-5), and Joe Wright (Atonement*, Pride & Prejudice) helms it. Hanna begs the question - was this movie as the writer wrote it or did the studio execs and producers put their two cents in and diminish what was a great idea? My gut tells me it was the latter.

Anyway, Hanna stars an up-and-comer Saoirse Ronan (The Lovely Bones, Atonement) – busy girl for 17-years old, busy in a good way; not in a Bristol Palin kind of way. I think she’s very good. Definitely keep an eye on this youngin’s work.




Eric Bana (Munich, Troy) – dude, I was about to write you off after Hulk, the Other Boleyn Girl and Time Traveler’s Wife, but we’re cool again. Olivia Williams (Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse), Jason Flemyng (Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Snatch), and he scene thief Jessica Barden (you’ll know her when you see her).

Of course, I have not forgotten our villainess, the remarkable Cate Blanchett. It turns out Hanna puts what may be the limits of Cate’s abilities under a spotlight. (I still think she is the next Meryl Streep, but…) She can do everything… except have a southern American accent. Play an evil witch? No problem. A dancer? Certainement. The Queen of bloody England? Right, mate. “The mightiest and fairest of all the Elves that remained in Middle-earth?” Gee, Mr. Frodo. I surely think so. ASIDE: Do you know the game “I’d rather”? Well, I’d rather… Cate Blanchett or Kate Winslett? I’m going with Cate plus a burger any day – for nearly any question you’d ask. I don’t know who Cate studied but that accent was one of the most inconsistent and weird sounding accents I’ve heard since Steven Seagal’s Mexican accent in… MACHETE!

IF YOU MUST KNOW:

Hanna (Ronan) is coming of age tale of a teenage girl raised by her father - in the forest. (I know what you're thinking – But no, this time it’s not brown folks home schooling their offspring in the woods. Seriously, somebody should make that movie. That would be original in any genre.) So, Hanna’s father, Erik (Bana) raises her in the away from the rest of society and teaches her survival skills, how to fight, how to kill and semper paratus – that’s for my Latin geeks. Erik, a former kick ass operative of some sort is training his daughter for the day where she must meet and kill Marissa (Blanchett), an enigmatic CIA operative.

The gist of the story is this: Marissa did Hanna’s family dirty; Marissa has so severely vexed Erik that he has taken this infant child and trained her to be an assassin with an encyclopedic memory for useless information, including the population of certain European cities. The point is…

either Hanna or Marissa must die. When Hanna is ready to venture out into the world, Erik will release her and she can execute (pun intended) her mission. That’s where we start.

Hanna is a revenge flick with a few little telegraphed twists. It’s interesting because it takes you on Hanna’s journey of self-discovery interspersing decent action sequences while maintaining an indie film texture. Of course, Marissa isn’t just going to sit and wait for Hanna to come to her, so she sends some people out to kill her. See… that’s where this started to get a little off track for me. Why didn’t Erik just train her to be an sniper and make the movie about 5 minutes and allow this kid some sort of life? That’s not very fatherly. More importantly, it’s a waste of my damned time. Nevertheless, I was willing to suspend my disbelief and follow Hanna for a while. But there were random times when this super soldier teenage girl just pissed me off with how she did things. Sure, that can be explained, but some of the corniness of either the writers or the studios cannot be excused. To be specific, I mean that whole I just missed your heart thing. I’d love for you all to see this movie and tell me what you think about that line and how it plays a part in this movie. Saoirse reminds me of a blonde little sister of Summer Glau (who I love as an action movie actress – Rent or buy “Serenity” and you will agree), but her gracefulness and undeniable potential cannot salvage this movie which is currently headed for tops of my list for overrated flicks in next year’s Shammis. Oh, and Jessica Barden’s character was comic relief. Thank you for that, kid.

Sometimes I feel that people tend to be slaves to the story arch and for me, that’s pretty lame. Some of the best movies are not wrapped in a tidy little predictable package. I was hoping Hanna would be one of those. It was not. At the end of the day, the line that drew me in… assassinated my willingness to either cosign this flick or continue my suspension of disbelief. AND, you know how they say everything is better when it’s free? Well, I saw this for free and it ended up being lame anyway, despite being gratuitous – so much for that free theory of everything (Although, it still works with food.)

That Dude gives Hanna: 2

* Atonement is the winner of the Shammi Award for Dopest Promotion for a Film (aka Most Overrated and Over-hyped Film – But not necessarily “bad” film) (Shammi Awards 2010, coming soon…!)

RATING SYSTEM:

1. They make crap this pure?
2. Couldn’t be more under-whelmed.
3. Not too shabby, I won’t ask for my money back.
4. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good./Worth the 12 bucks.
5. Why are you reading this and not seeing this movie? Jackass.