UrbanRhetoric

UrbanRhetoric

8.10.2015

Fantastic? Four

Soooooo... on advice of a friend or six... if you don't have anything nice to say, Dude, go ahead and get it out of the way because you will damn sure say it anyway.

This movie sucked.  The only thing worse in years... Jupiter Ascending.  The producers must've been Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom.  I dare you to like this crap.

To those who paid for a seat:  You LOSE!  I say GOOD DAY!

IMTHATDUDE gives Fantastic Four: 1 (more specifically, the one between the pointer and the ring fingers)

RATING SYSTEM:

5 = You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!
4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.
3 = I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.
2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…
1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.

8.01.2015

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation


Not a huge Tom Cruise fan - his supreme weirdness trumps his commitment to verisimilitude in action scenes, but I will admit that these last two Mission Impossible flicks (Ghost Protocol & Rogue Nation) go a long way towards me dismissing the Oprah moments or the various rumors that his control freakishness is of diabolical proportions... it goes a long way, but we are light years apart, so it's going to take an awful lot more than travelling a long way for me to actually dismiss the strangeness that is TC.














Goofy couch jumping psychopathy aside, Rogue Nation and Ghost Protocol shared the common elements that make a good action movie that I have shared with you all before - excellent special effects and a good villain.

VITALS
*Christopher McQuarrie (The Way of the Gun, Jack Reacher) - Writer/Director
Tom Cruise (Edge of Tomorrow, Minority Report) - Ethan Hunt
Jeremy Renner (American Hustle, Avengers) - William Brandt
Alec Baldwin (TV's 30 Rock, The Departed) - Alan Hunley
Sean Harris (TV's The Borgias, Prometheus) - Solomon Lane
Rebecca Ferguson (TV's The White Queen, Hercules - the one with the Rock, not that other dude) - Ilsa Faust
Ving Rhames (Baby Boy, Pulp Fiction) - Luther Stickell
Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead, At World's End) - Benji Dunn

*MCQuarrie also wrote the screenplay for one of the greatest movies ever - The Usual Suspects

IF YOU MUST KNOW:
The Impossible Missions Force (IMF) is embattled on all fronts... I know, SHOCKER (like a pointer, middle and pinky finger - you can look that one up).  Once again, Ethan Hunt's (Cruise) team is being faced with a situation that gives rise to the acronym from whence the series draws its name.  This time, Hunt has been on the trail of the Syndicate, a cabal so secret the global intelligence community denies its existence.  (Aside #1: Anyone else notice that the bad guys organizations in these movies and TV shows centered around espionage and shadowy governments have certain similarities: example, James Bond it's called Spectre; Nikita/La Femme Nikita it was Section, for Alias the bad guys were SD-6 - and, even yours truly, in his as yet unproduced good faith attempt at writing a screenplay, called the villains the Seraphim... YIKES!  All I can say is my screenplay even had a twist with the terrorist group's name... that's how yoga-bendy my script was & reason #41 why nobody bought it.) ***If you think of any other movies or TV shows where they call the bad guys or a secret cabal of some sort is called by a name that starts with an "S" or even an S-sound, hit me up.  I know there are more, but these are the ones I though about while I was in the theater yesterday.***

What's new or fresh about this film... well, almost nothing.  The plot is virtually identical to every Mission Impossible movie since the first one.  If you haven't seen them, then this one will be fresh, but if you have seen ANY of them, then the formula will be wholly recognizable.  

Rogue Nation =  [Ethan Hunt + his IMF team (in the last few movies that's been Ving Rhames, Simon Pegg, and la femme du jour minus my bad Francais)] + the IMF is on the verge of being shut down for one reason or another + Hunt enlists the help of his associates + there's a heist of some sort from an impenetrable location + Hunt almost dies doing the impossible (as someone said in one of the earlier films "this isn't mission difficult, it's mission impossible") = most of the team lives to save the world another day, not including the franchise opener, in which his team got mercked, which really was a plus for the film.

Sound familiar?  That was the formula and plot from Mission Impossible #2, #3, and #4 - if you want the one for #5 - see the above formula and add a couple years Cruise.  Yes, some of those movies were not solid.  Ghost Protocol was fun; so was the one with Maggie Q (was it 3?) - you know the one when she popped out of that banana whip in that red dress looking like she was constructed of nothing but legs and a neck...?  I refuse to google it, because I love how it lives in my memory more than the actual plot of that particular installment.

Anyway, overall, Rogue Nation held no surprises.  Even the twists were expected, the saving grace was Cruise's commitment to making us believe he could do the action stuff that he did in this film - that's largely because Tom Cruise is playing out what can only be described as a very public death wish/cry for help by doing so many of these stunts himself.  It will not be until there is a "tragic" accident onset that people stop patting cheering him for doing things best left to professionals.  Don't get me wrong, it looks cool when you don't see the usual camera tricks that cut away from stuntmen to make us believe the actor is really hanging onto the side of a plane, but damn.  Jackie Chan - professional, but even he turned it down as he got older.  Word to the unwise: Tom, fall back before the obit ends with #LUNACYdefined  That said, what's good about this film is... you guessed it, the ACTION sequences.  The car to motorcycle chase, the fight scenes when they alternate from direct shots to silhouettes doing hand to hand-to-hand combat behind a sheet.

But Faust (Ferguson) is the best thing about this movie.  Aside: I grew up around strong women who used to kick the a$$ess of big dudes around the way and at school on my behalf when I was a wee lad, so watching Ferguson get busy, stand toe-to-toe with the toughest SOBs in the movie and show that she's not just a pretty face, really made this remake of MI's 2-4 not just tolerable, but legitimately watchable.  I wouldn't be surprised if she gets one of those rare female reappearances in the next film; better yet, she should start booking some action leads in her own flicks.  Also, I'll give honorable mention to both Jeremy Renner and Alec Baldwin for bringing in the comic relief that helped to move this movie along in an enjoyable way.  Wait for Baldwin's speech about Ethan Hunt, the seriousness makes you laugh.  


IMTHATDUDE gives MI-Rogue Nation: 3

RATING SYSTEM:

5 = You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!
4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.
3 = I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.
2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…
1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.

7.11.2015

Minions [movie review]....by dough

In "No Exit", Jean-Paul Sartre's seminal work on the ontological paradox of ascribing to another's
world view in a meaningless universe of indifference, he writes:  "Anything, anything would be better than this agony of mind, this [Minions Movie] that gnaws and fumbles ... and never hurts quite enough."  I might be paraphrasing, but Sartre's inability to reconcile a world that would produce The Minions Movie with a true and living God seems on the face of it, a bit harsh.

Surely The Minions Movie is despicable (see what I did there?) or at the very least indifferent to anything resembling humanity or human interaction, but that doesn't seem to me to be completely incompatible with a benevolent and ever loving creator.  Scripture might say that the Lord of Hosts seeks only love and compassion for his creation and thus he wouldn't subject his children to 104 minutes of mind numbing tedium, tiresome machinations and a glaring lack of whimsy.  But remember that The Minions Movie is not a creation of "I AM WHO I AM". It is a creation of man.  Man.  With all his flaws and shortcomings.  Man.  With all his guilelessness and clumsy plot choices. Man.  And a studio destined to squeeze every last dime from a charming if ultimately limited diversion.

Jehovah imbued in his most precious fruit free will.  And though that will may sometimes be used for wicked or at least terribly boring means, surely those means are not proof of a cold unforgiving universe unconcerned with mankind and his many struggles with mediocrity, banality and insipidity.  I cannot consign humanity to that fate simply because The Minions Movie exists.  Music will still be played.  Poetry will still be written.  Pyramids will still be built.  Sartre be damned.

6.21.2015

DOPE



The title says it all... DOPE.  I'm not even trying to be cute.  This was the best movie I've seen this year.

VITALS

Rick Famuyiwa (The Wood, Brown Sugar) - Writer/Director
Shameik Moore (Joyful Noise, and TV's House of Payne - but I will not hold that against him; just like I won't blame him for his parents misspelling that awesome name - ShaMIK, people; not -M E E K, not -M E I K, and damn sure not -M I Q U E) - Malcolm
Kiersey Clemons (TV's Extant and Eye Candy) - Diggy
Tony Revolori (The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Perfect Game) - Jib
Rakim "A$AP Rocky" Mayers (see, pretty much any ign'ant hip hop record) - Dom
Roger Guenvuer Smith (Do the Right Thing, American Gangster) - Austin Jacoby
Zoe Kravitz (Insurgent, Mad Max: Fury Road) - Nakia
Blake Anderson (Workaholics) - Will

Honorable Mention goes to Allen Maldanodo as the bouncer and to model turned actress, Chanel Iman as Lily.  Ah yes, Lily.

Interestingly, Forest Whittaker produced this film along with the likes of Diddy and Skateboard P; which begs the question, how did Jay-Z miss out on this?

IF YOU MUST KNOW:

This is the story of a kid straight out of Inglewood, Cali, who simply doesn't fit in.  He's a geek; not to be confused with a nerd (although he is) - see, a geek also has certain idiosyncracies that make him more of an outcast than other nerds.  Por ejemplo, Malcolm and his friends have a punk rock-type band, but they are also 90s-era hip-hop aficionados - obsessed with the music and gear to the point of wearing bad flattops and what appears to be some version of Cross-Colours.  Remember Cross Colours?  For kids born in the 90s to say that that was the "golden age" of hip hop smells like the west coast version of a Williamsburg/Fort Greene HIPSTER.


Malcolm (Moore), Jib (Revolori) and Dig (Clemons) are oddballs who have to manage their way around a school full of jocks, hoodlums,

Of course, the plot is ridiculous, but it isn't entirely beyond the suspension of disbelief.  Malcolm, in the midst of trying to finish his application for Harvard University,  gets unintentionally pulled into the dope-dealing world by Dom (A$AP Rocky) - leave it to a Harlem cat to drag a brother into an unnecessary sitch.  So, Dom makes Malcolm and his two band-mate friends into reluctant MDMA dealers.  (For my square readers, MDMA is methylenedioxy-methamphetamin; also known as Ecstasy or Molly.) Well, at least it aint heroine and weed would have weakened the plot to be more in the nature of Friday  (I mean the movie, not the other day).  The Oreos (that's the name of their band, and not my attempt at using a lame derogatory term for these geeks) get busy dealing Molly in the hopes of saving their own lives as they have to dodge sneaker stealing school bullies, fake thugs, real thugs, drug sniffing dogs, OG's, Molly-popping models, and Harvard grads (the debate is open for who on that list is most dangerous - I'll let you call it).

So, what was so special about this movie?  Aside from the AWESOME soundtrack, it was funny. Not even the cackling, chatty hipsters sitting in my aisle in stereotypical-fashion talking throughout the film could ruin the fact that the dialogue was clever and the situations were surprisingly intriguing.  It was a smart film that made some predictable turns and then unpredictably made them subtly realistic.  It toyed with your emotions. And, most importantly, it was sufficiently believable.  The arguments, the jokes, and the quiet moments these cats shared when they were in danger were legit friend type conversations.  On top of all that... I can imagine all three of these lead characters, the Awreeohs (pronounced like the cookies), becoming far more visible in Hollywood after this movie.  Even Zoe Kravitz, who really made me flashback to my crush on her mama when she was on A Different World (holla!).  You know you're getting old when the daughter(Zoe Kravitz, 26) of a woman (Lisa Bonet, 47) you were crushing on is old enough to be considered kinda hot.  Disturbing.


Anyway, the movie was so good that I didn't bother taking points from any of the usual areas, like rappers trying to act, which is usually as bad as models - no matter how hip-hop cute - trying to act (Chanel Iman) or contrived characters - and there were a few.  I thoroughly enjoyed it.  It was even better than Dear White People and Top Five (both of which were understated, but very good movies).

Hurry up and see this movie before the next round of summer garbage (like Jurassic Park or Mad Max) pushes it out of the theater.

IMTHATDUDE gives Dope: 5

RATING SYSTEM:

5 = You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!
4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.
3 = I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.
2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…
1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.

5.10.2015

Avengers: Age of Ultron


All bias aside... you probably should not read anyone else's review but UR's.  Seriously. Everyone else will probably spoil the good stuff about this movie and make it an expensive and underwhelming night unless you’re a real die-hard fan boy/girl.  (And this comes from someone who saw this movie the Thursday night it was released.)  That said, Avengers 2 ain't exactly ground earth-shattering, but it is still pretty good.  In the ever-growing and increasingly tiresome field of superhero movies, Avengers: Age of Ultron is a pretty solid flick.  No, it doesn't live up to its predecessor (Avengers), but it stands on its own merit as a good movie with nicely proportioned components of humor, action and seriousness.

VITALS

Joss Whedon (Avengers, Serenity, same guy who created, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, and Dollhouse) - Writer/Director
Robert Downey, Jr. (The Judge, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) - Iron Man/Tony Stark
James Spader (Blacklist - a TV must watch) - Voice of Ultron
Chris Hemsworth (Blackhat, Rush) - Thor/Son of Odin
Mark Ruffalo (Shutter Island, Now You See Me) - The Hulk/David Banner
Chris Evans (Snowpiercer, Scott Pilgrim vs the World) - Capt. America/Steve Rogers
Scarlett Johansson (Lucy, Under the Skin) - Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff
Jeremy Renner (The Bourne Legacy, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol) -Hawkeye/Clint Barton Aaron Johnson (Kick-Ass, Savages) - Quicksilver
Elizabeth Olsen (Oldboy, Godzilla) - Scarlet Witch

Other Avengers movie affiliates made decent appearances as well including Don Cheadle, Colbie Smulders, Sam Jackson, Stellan Skarsgard, Idris Elba, Hayley Atwell, and Anthony Mackie.

IF YOU MUST KNOW:

Tony Stark and David Banner's furtive incursion into the field of peacekeeping artificial-intelligence goes completely awry.  Hmmm... that's about all you need to actually know.  If I started telling you the other details it would kind of kill what there is to like about the movie.  What I can tell you is that Avengers was fun, it was entertaining, they introduced a bunch of new people and other stuff into the Marvel movie world and managed to be engaging and cohesive enough that you don't realize how much you're being set up for the next flurry of Marvel pictures on their busy and aggressive release schedule.  Yet... Age of Ultron misses the high standard that Avengers set for itself back in 2012.

Do you remember the last Iron Man movie with poor Sir Ben Kingsley as the ridiculous Mandarin?  If you don't, bless your heart.  You're better off for it.  If you do, then you may see a similar misstep in Avengers 2.  Joss Whedon uses James Spader's effortlessly snarky voice to create what sounds like a truly ominous villain - and I always say, if you want a good superhero movie, you MUST have a really good super villain. That's where the misstep occurs.  The sound of Ultron is awesome... right up until he starts making too many jokes and going a little bit goofy. I expect my villains to be funny consistently in a twisted sort of way, but not to actually crack jokes.  That cheapens their sinister-ness.  Plus, Scarlet Witch (the most talented Olsen girl) and Quicksilver team up with the comically maniacal Ultron to form a dynamic "Big 3" to go up against Earth's mightiest heroes; they give Iron Man, the Hulk, Thor and the other Avengers the most dangerous imminent threat humanity has faced yet.

The speciocidal (if that is a word) Ultron and his enlisted 'enhanced humans' test the Avengers physically and put as much relationship strain as you can put into a Marvel movie.  Of course, everyone knows it all has to work out in the heroes' favor, but they give us some cool looking fight scenes along the way (when the CGI was managed well and the green screen wasn't obvious) to try and fool us like they might not make it AND they incorporate Jarvis (Stark's AI butler) into the movie as a more integral part than he has ever been before.  It's safe to say, Jarvis was always one of the coolest things about Tony Stark. 

The high points of the movie included the candid moments between the Avengers and the action sequences and the mention of the kingdom of Wakanda (the fictional location of where "vibranium" - the stuff that makes Capt. America's shield - comes from) - if you mention Wakanda that means:  Black Panther!  Word.  Unfortunately, there was no actual Black Panther siting, but still... I'm looking forward to a non-sidekick black superhero (not played by Halle Berry).

Overall, Avengers 2 brought enough to the table that I have to admit is was enjoyable (and I heart Scarlett Johansson, so watching her flip and fight in that outfit is always fun), but  even the stellar Scarlett did not make Age of Ultron 

as good as Avengers 1, Iron Man 1, Thor 2, or Capt. America 2, or Guardians of the Galaxy. It was at least as good as all the other movies in that series.  Word of advice for you - SKIP IMAX AND SKIP 3-D FORMATS (definitely skip IMAX 3-D; it aint worth paying 25 ducats) the movie seems to have been filmed more in 2-D and converted to 3-D, which makes it not worth paying for in 3-D.

Note: Don't forget that there is only one post credit scene.  So after you see the 3 second teaser for the next Avengers, you do not need to stay a second longer - like my dumba$$ did.  Just bounce.

IMTHATDUDE gives Age of Ultron (Avengers 2): 4

RATING SYSTEM:

5 = You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!
4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.
3 = I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.
2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…
1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.

4.09.2015

Furious 7


They saved the best for last!  F&F fans have to like this one. [No one should count Tokyo Drift, but somehow they made it all work with this one.]  I never thought that subtracting the hottest Israeli exports since the Jericho Pistol, Gal Gadot (the upcoming, and some might say controversial, Wonder 
Woman in the forthcoming Batman/ 
Superman flick) would manage to yield a better movie.

VITALS

James Wan (Insidious, Saw) Directs
Chris Morgan & Gary Scott Thompson (Wanted, 47 Ronin) pen it.

Vin Diesel (Riddick, Boiler Room) is Dominic Toretto
Paul Walker (Brick Mansions, Takers) is Brian O'Conner
Jason Statham (The Mechanic, Expendables) is Deckard Shaw
Michelle Rodriguez (Avatar, Machete Kills) is Letty
Jordana Brewster (Annapolis, American Heist) is Mia
Tyrese Gibson (Transformers, Death Race) is Roman
Ludacris (Crash, RocknRolla) is Tej
Dwayne Johnson (Pain & Gain, Hercules) is Hobbs
Nathalie Emmanuel (Game of Thrones, Misfits) is Ramsey
Other notable appearances include Kurt Russell, Rhonda Rousey, and Elsa Pataky.

IF YOU MUST KNOW:

Furious 7 finds us not long after the events of Fast & Furious 6.  If you stayed for the teaser after F6, you know that the bad guy had a "big" brother - which was the BEST part of F6, then you already knew about that.  If you haven't seen F6 - go back and read the review.  I'm pretty sure ThatDude who wrote it would appreciate you doing so. 

Shaw is seeking vengeance for his not-dead but crippled and comatose younger brother which takes him directly in the path of Hobbs (Rock) and that leads him to the gang.  Han is killed (not a spoiler, technically, I think he's killed twice in the series).  Shaw hunts down the rest of them, but not until he introduces himself to Dom (Vin Diesel).  ASIDE: Vin Diesel's been around a long time and people in the theater were asking each other if he was biracial or black, or he "just seems pretty black for a white dude." Real words from a random kid in the theater.  I find that amusing; although I doubt Diesel does.  But then again he did this sh# - for serious.

Back to the flick... the hunt is on.  



<-- This happens and one would think the movie should be over, but it's really just getting started... and inexplicably doesn't result Statham's death (not Shaw, I mean real life Jason Statham survived) - look how little his fist looks compared to the Rock's vein...  That's why I always root for Statham.   Villain or not.  There's a shortage of tough little SOBs in this world and J Stat's one.  


Then, there's this whole side note thing.  Strike that.  This particular subplot happens to be fairly high on my list of babymamas.  If you know me, you know that I am not generally a fan of British accents, but I would certainly make an exception for this subplot. (See, FN)  So, the subplot is about a hacker called Ramsay (Emmanuel).  I love her in GoT, her brief stint on Misfits, and I love the writers and director for casting her to play the hottest hacker on the face of the earth.  It's because I like smart... and cute and I haven't any proof to the contrary about my subplot, so I'm willing to extend her the benefit of the doubt unless proven unequivocally wrong. 

So, the gang has to jump some hurdles to get to Shaw, this hacker gets thrown in the mix, all the while Shaw is trying to get to Dom's gang.  The rest of the flick is adrenaline on top of humor with sprinkles of humor (thankfully not left to solely Tyrese to deliver - go back to sangin, bruh.  Your good at that.)

Blissfully, there were only unbelievable fights (most were well choreographed, but still with unlikely results) and car chases that did not involve speeding planes on never ending runways, but did involve building hopping in the whip; overall, there's nothing to this movie but high octane and passable doses of humor and emotion.  This is a man's version of a movie with heart.  This is OUR version of Pretty Woman - you remember that ridiculousness that women loved in yea olden day - hooker with a heart of gold business.  Sure it is absurd from start to finish.  Sure you have to check some of your wit at the door.  But damn it was fun.  You wont feel like you learned anything about life, or yourself, and you shouldn't expect a family speech by Vin Diesel to evoke emotion (although Michelle Rodriguez gives it a good go).  However, it was worth saying once and now repeating.  Damn, this movie was fun.

FN:  About the accent thing, I generally feel it is still connected to imperialism, subjugation, and genocide, but cloaked in some new perceived erudition.  But that's another story for another day (accents I also have some negative feelings about - Lon G'Island, Souf Jerseyan, Minnesotan, Afrikaans, and hard-Gaelic.  Sorry, but tis true).  


IMTHATDUDE gives Furious 7: 4

RATING SYSTEM:


5 = You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!
4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.
3 = I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.
2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…
1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.



PEACE TO PAUL WALKER

3.14.2015

Jupiter Acending


Soooo... is it better to have peaked early in film than to never have peaked at all?  I haven't the foggiest, but it would be a solid question to ask Andy and Lana Wachowski (formerly known as the Wachowski Brothers).  Some close to this writer have suggested that the minds that arguably brought you the Matrix trilogy (although the first one was by far the best), seem to have done exactly that - peaked and fallen squarely off a steep precipice into the ever-widening abyss of movie-mediocrity.

VITALS

Andy and Lana Wachowski (The Matrix, Speed Racer, Cloud Atlas) - Writers/Directors
Mila Kunis (Black Swan, Third Person) - Jupiter Jones
Channing Tatum (21/22 Jump Street) - Caine Wise
Eddie Redmayne (My week with Marilyn, The Theory of Everything) - Balem Abraxas
Sean Bean (Lord of the Rings & Ned Stark in the Game of Thrones series) - Apini
Tuppence Middleton (Imitation Game) - Kalique Abraxas
Douglas Booth (Noah) - Titus Abraxas

IF YOU MUST KNOW:

Jupiter Jones (Kunis) is a young immigrant (by way of a boat from Russia - no joke).  Her father is some sort of astronomer and her mother does something else in Russia, blah blah blah... Pop dukes loves the Planet Jupiter, so he named his daughter after the planet much to the mother's chagrin.  In what must be the most random home invasion in the history of home invasions, pop dukes is killed over a brass telescope which appears to be the only thing of value in the whole apartment.  Fast forward, Jupiter grows up in the States and works with her mom and aunt cleaning houses.  She lives beyond her means and is trying desperately to figure out a way out of the life she hates (cleaning toilets of rich people and waking up at the b-crack of pre-dawn to do so).

Unbeknownst to her, it turns out she happens to be the potential heir to a huge interstellar estate.  Sweet, right?  But wait... a competitor has dispatched some mercenaries to shut off the possibility of Jupiter making any claims to it.  Sucks to be Jupiter.  Caine (Tatum), a human-canine hybrid, is tasked with tracking her down and dragging her back to through space to where she can stake her rightful claim to her inheritance from of cadre of ego-maniacal vampir-looking pale-faced relatives.

There's no helping this one.  Sometimes making something look cool is not enough to make it something watchable.  Jupiter Ascending was borderline unwatchable.  I had a crush on Mila Kunis since Black Swan... but... watching her walk weirdly down the hall in that space castle rockin her space stilettos in her space gown was disturbing.  Zero cool points awarded. What kind of directions were the Wachowskis giving when they filmed that segment - "Mila, try this, I want you to be as awkward as humanly possible.  Remember... walk like your feet hurt and keep your shoulders as high and close together as possible.  Go..."

Jupiter Ascending is what the Fifth Element would have been if you subtracted everything that was entertaining from it.  Eddie Redmayne (recent Oscar winner) is too good for this kind of ga'bidge (as my pops would have called it). Watching this latest Wachowski debacle, I got the distinct impression that somebody slipped a little ganga in the Kraft foods on set. The look on Redmayne's face is indicative of how this movie felt.


There were some charming segments in this movie that made me want to like it more, but they weren't charming enough to bring me to that point.  The best part of the movie was the fight choreography.  They did a great job making a lot of the fight scenes look pretty good and even the air-skating thing that went on entirely too long was visually enthralling.

This is the kind of movie that the audience not only does not applaud when the credits roll, but they silently applaud THAT the credits are finally rolling.  Sorry, Wachowskis, but this isn't the next Matrix.  That said, I would strongly recommend watching this on Netflix when it drops in a hot second.  It's just lame enough to watch on a slow Tuesday.  And if you're a movie buff... (SPOILER ALERT),  there's definitely a Soylent Green aspect that cannot be missed, but should have been.

IMTHATDUDE gives Jupiter Ascending: 1

RATING SYSTEM:

5 = You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!
4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.
3 = I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.
2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…
1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.