Fast & Furious 6 [review]....by IMTHATDUDE

Not too shabby.  It was a fun.  Dumb and fun, but sometimes you gotta go that route.  

Pardon the semi-pun, but all the parts are there… (Get it?  Because it’s a movie about cars and car chases and whatnot… all the PARTS are there… Whatevah.)  Guns, gears, girls, and, for the ladies who are into that kinda thing… the other kinda guns a-la The Rock and Vin Diesel.  I’m not hatin’ on those punks, I’m just strongly disliking them for making me feel like I have to get my weight WAY up.

(Oh, and Gina Carano… I see you and I’m disliking you, too, dammit – slightly different reasons though – you ain’t have to do him like that). 

VITALS

Justin Lin (Super 8, Star Trek) - Director

Chris Morgan (Cellular, Wanted) & Gary Scott Thompson (The Fast & the Furious, 88 Minutes) – Writers

Aside: Morgan & Thompson, you have officially redeemed yourselves from such y’abage as Tokyo Drift and Hollow Man 2.  Congratulations.

Vin Diesel (Pitch Black) - Dominic Toretto

Paul Walker (Takers) - Brian O'Conner

Dwayne Johnson (The Rundown) – Agent Hobbs

Jordana Brewster (TV’s Dallas – never watched it… never will) - Mia

Michelle Rodriguez (Avatar) - Letty - nuthin wrong with that.

Tyrese Gibson (Baby Boy – one of the most hood quotable films ever) - Roman

Sung Kang (Ninja Assassin) - Han

Gal Gadot (Date Night… that’s what IMDB said, so…) – Gisele... We like her...

Ludacris (Move B!#ch) - Ludacris

Luke Evans (Immortals) - Shaw

Elsa Pataky (Snakes on a Plane –insert jokes HERE) - Elena

Gina Carano (Haywire) - Riley

Clara Paget (Johnny English Reborn…?) - Vegh

Kim Kold (your guess is as good, or better than mine.  Never clown a dude named Kim.  That’s gotta be like being a short dude named ‘Shamik’ in Bed Stuy.  You gotta be tough, son.) - Klaus/The Bad Guy’s Obligatory Bruiser

Johannes Taslim (The Raid: Redemption – quietly, a good Indonesian action flick… how many times per year do you hear that phrase) - Jah (as Joe Taslim)

IF YOU MUST KNOW:

Agent Hobbs (Johnson) tracks down Dom (Diesel) and enlists his help by showing him that Letty (Rodriquez) is still alive.  Sure, it defies logic.  But N.E.R.D. with this franchise.  Anyway, so Dom has to drop his new piece, Elena (Pataky), and bring reassemble the team.  Brian (Walker) drops his baby and babymama to go help find out if this lead on Letty’s living-ness is the real deal or if it is a trick by Hobbs and the g-men to either trap or use the crew.  (Sorry, Letty, but I’m not leaving my son and babymom’s just to put myself in the line of fire on the off chance that you might still be in the land of the living and running amuck with some super-theives.  No, sir.  Not I.  Then again, is it just me – and Brian – or does Mia (played by Jordana Brewster) have that sanctimonious look like she might be irksome to be around for long periods of time.) They go all motorized Oceans 11 with Fast-6.  Just like every other F&F, there’s a fair amount of gratuitous partial-T&A, fast cars, muscle cars, and enjoyable fight sequences – including one with the Rock and Vin Diesel doling out a fresh can of whoopass to the bad guys.

Given arguably sufficient motivation to go and find Letty (in the form of amnesty & a full pardon for everybody – Oprah style), the reassembled crew agrees to help track down Shaw (Evans).  Shaw leads a similar crew of bad guys which, Tyrese describes as their evil twins.  I could have done without the obviousness of the comparisons, but I’m not mad that the writer poked fun at the blatant device themselves. 

As you’d expect, the crews engage in a destructive public tête-à-tête.  

Sure, there were plenty of death-defying stunts – and others, not so defiant.  There were also a couple of flying squirrel scenes (including one from the ever-punking/whining Tyrese) that couldn’t have been more absurd if they tried save recasting Tyrese with Johnny Galecki.  THAT would’ve possibly made those scenes a tad bid more incredible. 

But, most of action sequences were a lot of fun to watch and really easy for me to suspend my disbelief.

My biggest problems with FF6 are the following, in reverse order of importance:

-          Why are they showing hi-res pics of Letty to this team instead of video footage?  My Galaxy S3 can take pretty good videos from long distance, how come the feds can’t show this crew video footage instead of a lame picture that could easily have been from anytime… anywhere?  And why was this enough to convince them to leave the comfort of their huber-rich, non-extradition country residing lives?  If I buried my ex (body and all) and some muscle-headed cop showed up and said she’s alive… you’re not getting me to leave my fine new girl and my dope pad and rides to go hunting for the ex… nah, man.  Nah.

-          So they offered a pardon, that’s awesome.  Because living on the millions you stole from a drug lord in another country would somehow still make you feel like you’re not at home??? Dude, EVERYBODY you care about is in shouting distance.  Everybody.  Did I mention, all they showed was a picture?  A picture and a promise of a pardon to go “home” to a crappy house and have bbq’s doesn’t get my black a$$ off my expensive couch to go get shot at by a madman with tanks and stuff.  What part of the game is that?

-          How freaking long was that runway?  If you’ve seen the trailer, you know they basically take down a plane with some cables and fast cars. (Was that a C130?  It looked like C130ish.)  That final “climax” scene would have made Sting say “Enough already!”  It rivals that silly Transformers scene that went on for 20% of the movie.  Well, in FF6, I started to get annoyed with how  long it took the plane to take off given it was speeding down a runway on a military base in another country.  It made me want to grab two beers and jump, Jet Blue style #FallonReStevenSlater. – Is that an appropriate hashtag?  ImTHATdude don’t tweet.  Future reference… no one should ever come strolling through fire away from an explosion, car flip, backyard brawl, without being in singed a lil.  That just kills my movie mood, man.  

   

      Good thing they followed it up with the teaser…

SUPER SPOILER ALERT… AVERT YOUR EYES AND READ NO FURTHER...

The teaser for Fast 7 was my favorite part of this entire movie.  I’m already sold on seeing Fast 7 when it drops - no question.

Don’t leave before the teaser.  ‘nuff said.

ImTHATdude gives Fast & Furious 6:  3.../3.5 if you didn't pay for your ticket.

RATING SYSTEM:

5 = You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!
4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.
3 = I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.
2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…
1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.