Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows [review]....by IMTHATDUDE

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I

With a run time of two hours and twenty –six minutes (give or take a lifetime), I have to say I absolutely LOVED....leaving the theater.  LLLLLOVED IT.  Sweet Baby Jesus - this movie felt like a two hour twenty-six minute stint in a crowded maximum security prison shower with no guards – I’ve never been there, but it’s safe to assume you would really REALLY not like being there, especially if you knew that when you finally got to leave, it wouldn’t actually over yet because there’s a Part TWO! in just a few months.

I know, I know.  The Harry Potheads out there will disagree and chase me down like a finch at a quidditch tournament.  Yikes! Scary thought.  Oh, wait… grown ass people really do that.

Do I have to say it?  I mean… word?  Do I? 

Alas, to the flick deets.  The story is by Paper Stacks (government name “JK Rowling”) and on the keyboard is Steve Kloves (all the other HP’s except Order of the Phoenix, me thinks).  David Yates (Order of the Phoenix, Half-Blood Prince) directs the usual cast of characters, Daniel Radcliffe (aka “Potter. Harry Potter” – is it just me or is that name kinda soft core porn-ish?  Just me?  Emma Watson is Hermione Granger and Rupert Grint is Ron Weasley.  SIDE NOTE: People always make fun of black/brown folks names - what’s wrong with names like “Shamik Tetteh Pabon” – huh, pemora & paj1?  “Rupert Grint” is his real name!  I rest my freaking case. Ralph Fiennes, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman, and several others are all back for the penultimate HP movie.

IF YOU MUST KNOW:

This is Harry Potter’s seventh jaunt into the film world thanks to JK “Paper Stacks” Rowling who is sick with the pen.  Not that I read any of these books, but I tried to read Chamber of Secrets at a Barnes & Noble bookstore once but I don’t really get into stuff like this – unless, it’s onscreen.  If I’m going to get all cozy with a book, it aint gonna be about a tween wizard playing with brooms and wands.  A-yo!  I’ll pass.  I did read about 12 pages of one of these uber-best sellers from Paper Stack can write her tiny British bum off.

So, Harry reluctantly rallies his crew – Hermione and Ron.  Somehow they are foiled at nearly every turn as the try to find and destroy the mystical Hulcruxwhosiwhatsits. I think I should remind you – if you haven’t read the books or seen the previous flicks SPOILER ALERT ………………………………………………..Again, SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!

I should remind you that Dumbledore is dead as a doornail. For my Latinos - Albus es finito, mi hijo.  (Can you tell I’ve been practicing mi español?)  Voldemort (the villain who sounds like an STD – so let’s just call him VD, shall we?) is pooling his evil resources to effect the takeover of the ministry of magic and then… the WORLD. 

Bwahahahaha!  Who wouldn’t be scared of this face? 

If it wasn’t for Potter, Hermione, Weezy gumming up the works, he’d have an easy go about it to. 

As ominous as Voldemort and his death-eating crew seem, there really are only about 8 of those fools.  Yet, the good guys, who are plentiful, have the strength of a big bowl of puddin’ – more on this later.
So, Harry, Weezy and Hermione get their whosiwhatsit destroying quest under way, but they have to fend off the constant threat of the VD gang.  Long story short, it’s a race against time in this NEVER ending saga of good vs. evil and goody for us, they let us watch it slowly unfold over the course of 6 days (or 2 ½ hours, whatever).

My problem:  Too many good guys not enough bad guys.  Are the good guys that “pudding” or are the bad guys so freaking g’d up that the good guys and all their goodness were simply impotent against them?  That may not be what the books portray, but the movies do.  The book MIGHT explain that, but the movie… sho’ don’t.  I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again before my time on the intrawebs is over – Every movie should stand and feel complete on its own merit.  I shouldn’t need a workbook or companion manual to go along with the film.

Listen, the special effects were very good.  They usually are.  The plot, as an individual movie, was a little weak.  Pretty weeny, in fact.   Again, let me say Paper Stacks is an exceptional writer.  I just couldn’t help the feeling that I was sitting through what was largely a placeholder until the actual movie started.  How would you feel if the coming attractions lasted nearly 2 hours and the movie was only about 26 minutes long?  Well, that’s how it felt?  Me and the throngs of Potheads basically shelled out our doe as the studios maximized the total revenue yield from the Deathly Hallows.

It had so much potential from the outset.  People dying.  Darker tone.  All that good stuff.  Not your little sibling’s Mr. Potter. But then… it just kinda got lame and returned to lame-status quite frequently throughout the one hundred and forty-six minutes of run time.  Potheads unite against me if you will. 

But I’m like Severus.  You aint about to kill me, baby.  Oh… wait…

(PS: JK, I see you. If you’re ever in need a brother to give you some Severus BLACK Snape, holla at me.  I’m kidding.  I just wanted to get my point across about the character names in this series.)

That Dude gives Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I: 2

RATING SYSTEM:

 1. They make crap this pure?

                                 2. Couldn’t be more under-whelmed.
                                 3. Not too shabby, I won’t ask for my money back.

                                 4. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good./Worth the 12 bucks.
                                 
5. Why are you reading this and not seeing this movie? Jackass.