THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG

The nerve of this clown, Peter "PJ" Jackson.  I sat through 161 minutes of dwarves in barrels and elves with arrows, only to find out that Smaug was barely in the flick.  Oh, they talked about Smaug, but that big bastard literally (in that Rob Lowe “Parks & Rec” voice) slept through the first ¾ of the film – and I should have followed his example.  I was actually jealous of a fictional dragon because he got to sleep through this joint and I bet he didn’t pay 18 bucks for it.

VITALS

Peter Jackson (King Kong, LOTR Series) – Director/Co-Writer

Guillermo del Torro (Pan’s Labyrinth, Pacific Rim) – Co-Writer

Martin Freeman (The World’s End, BBC America’s Sherlock) – Bilbo

Ian McKellan (X Men: The Last Stand, The Da Vinci Code) – Gandalf

Cate Blanchett (Hanna, Blue Jasmin) – Galadriel

Orlando Bloom (The Three Musketeers, Pirates of the Caribbean) – Legolas

Richard Armitage (Captain America: The First Avenger, BBC’s MI5 aka Spooks) – Thorin

Evangeline Lilly (Real Steel, The Hurt Locker) – Tauriel

Benedict Cumberbatch (Star Trek Into the Darkness, BBC America’s Sherlock) – voice of Smaug

Stephen Fry (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, V for Vendetta) – Master of Laketown

IF YOU MUST KNOW:

The Hobbit: DoS was improperly named.  It could more accurately have been called any of the following:

“The Hobbit: A Never Ending Journey”

“The Hobbit: Dwarves in Magic Barrels”

“The Hobbit: Count the Arrows in the Elvish Quiver”

“The Hobbit: “The Hobbit: How the Hell he Didn’t Get a Concussion or Even a Splinter…?”

“The Hobbit: Where the Smurf is SMAUG, Peter?”

Well, that’s the movie.  It looked seamless, but the action was extremely absurd even by fantasy standards. By now, I’m guessing that you’ve guessed, I’m a little annoyed.

Real text convo between me and my niece after she saw it

ImTHATDude’s Niece said “I saw 2 black people in the Desolation of Smaug… two”

Uncle ImTHATDude said “I noticed that too!!!”

ImTHATDude’s Niece said “I mean it’s a record for LOTR… lol. If there were black elves they’d be named Shadow Elves or Night Elves and they’d be separated from the other elves.”

Uncle ImTHATDude said “I’m using that for my review.”

ImTHATDude’s Niece said “What?  You write reviews?”

Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t have shared that last text, but I thought that was as funny as the Shadow/Night Elves thing, if not even funnier.  Oh, that niece of mine is truly her uncle’s sister’s child.  Hilarious and accurate as all hell.  This is literally the first siting of unmistakably black folks in a non-Africa based movie by this particular Peter since King Kong… eh ehm!  No further comment on the subject except that if my niece who has way more non brown friends than I did when I was that age could notice such a thing... You got some ‘splaining to do Mr. Jackson.  Being a famous Jackson, I guess we shouldn’t have expected a lot of love for the melanin, huh?  Plus, if your initials are PJ, you should know more than 2 brown people to put in your movie – I’m sure that’s a statistical fact but the study to confirm it is unlikely to be commissioned… I digress.

Anyway, PJ, I find this film misleading in title and entirely too long for what actually happened in it.  The most entertaining bits were the parts that were cartoonish – the Legolas (Bloom) and Toriel (Lilly) action sequences.  Purists Hobbit fans have already shared their disdain for some of the contrivances and fake characters, but I didn’t read that back in Prep for Prep when I think I was supposed to, so I cares not.  What I do care about is that I was bored otherwise and just wanted the Sleepy, Dopey, Happy, Lazy, and the other dwarves to get burned by Smaug or drown in a barrel.  But you thwarted my wish with your inability to choose material to leave on the cutting room floor.  Do better.  I can’t help but think del Torro would have made this more streamline and more fun to watch.  There’s something here to see, but it's like PJ hit the snooze button every time it felt like the movie was about to get up and get going.

I guess what I'm saying about DoS is, if your more of a nerd than me and you absolutely MUST see it despite this review --> Got up to the ticket window (those of you who still do that - somebody's gotta keep those clerks employed), ask for a ticket to the Desolation of Smaug, and then say "Nevermind.  Make that one for for American Hustle."  Time is the one thing we can never get back.  Dude, even the star of the movie slept through most of it. Choose life, my friends.

 

IMTHATDUDE gives The Desolation of Smaug: 2 (generously)

RATING SYSTEM:

5 = You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!
4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.
3 = I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.
2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…
1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.