Review: Guardians of the Galaxy aka Why Bautista Is Hot Even Without Randy Orton....by pemora

I know, I know...usually IMTHATDUDE does the movie reviews. And he just might review this movie too. But I *had* to sit down, sip some wine (or 2) and holler at you about Guardians of the Galaxy...because it is the sheez and the bee’s knees.

Do the youth still say that?

My 6.5yo son has been bugging me about this film. He loves everything Marvel, going so far as to ask me 3 times per hour which is my favorite superhero and villain. Sheet. I don’t know. I keep on saying Ironman and Skeletor and then he gets mad at me for the latter. Like, I don’t know these things, Ye! Listen to me! But, being that he is my first born and prodigal son and future prince king and all dat, I give in to almost everything he asks for. He will probably be the youngest child to own a car, just cause.

I had my reservations because:
1. One of the main characters looks like a chupacabra. Yes, I know it is a raccoon. But what raccoon walks around on his hind legs, wearing a vest and talks smack? A chupacbra, I tell ya!
2. Bautista is in it.
2a. Yeah, yeah, he goes by Dave BAtista. But I’m going by his government name. Shoosh. Write your own review.
2b. I really don’t like him in WWE. We’ll get to that later.

So, I waver on saying yes. And then my man J-L Cauvin posts about it and I’m intrigued. Well, maybe more willing to say yes rather than no.


Zoe Saldana was a bit too thin but looked stunning in green. The main guy is super cute and people know him but I don’t and that’s ok because he is super cute. Vin Diesel supposedly was the big tree thingy and I guess that’s cool too because he delivered the one scene that made me cry real chola tears. But listen. Listen to me. The BEST parts of the film?

The chupacabra.

And Bautista.


The chupacabra is hilarious. Let’s ignore the fact that he is voiced by Bradley Cooper, a guy I dislike as much as I dislike John Mayer and for the same reason -- they look like those college frat guys who will only talk to you (me) when drunk. Eff em. And, uhm, didn’t he seriously date Zoe? Am I getting my Latinas confused? It WAS Zoe, right? Anyway, the chupacabra was so very good. I wouldn’t even mind Bradley “Frat Guy” Cooper getting nominated for best voiceover. Or something.

But really? Bautista was so very awesome. Ok, I don’t like Bautista in the WWE because he is always so unemotional, so not ‘in’ on the match at hand. He can be really boring to watch and, often, easy to cheer against but not because he is a bad guy. Simply because he is a snore. But this movie seemed to take advantage of all of those traits and make it work. Bautista’s I-don’t-do-character facial expressions work perfectly in this film (I don’t remember his character’s name. I been dranking) and I hope there is a sequel simply to see him in this role again. Also, he is hot in a blue-ish tint. Where you at now, Randy Orton?

Also, shout to the end-of-credits scene. Won’t tell you who shows up but know that my 80’s inner spirit was extremely happy.

So, uhm, go see this. It rocked. It was turnt up. On the molly. Wait, no, that last one was bad. It was fresh to death, yo.

1 comment:

  1. I thought about returning to macbook to bang out some words in review of this flick (I saw Let's Be Cops yesterday, I'll write one for that), but I can't follow you, P. But... since I do like to read my own words... I will say the following: 1) I had so much fun watching this movie - I went back and saw it a second time just a couple days later; 2) Chris Pratt looked ridiculous as a choice for this role until I saw it and there's NOBODY else who could have pulled it off; 3) Batista "Nothing goes over my head. I have incredible reflexes. I'd catch it." Hilarity! and 4) Leave my ex, Zoe, alone. I pray she keeps some of her baby anticipated baby weight, because she looks like she's been victimized by the Hamburglar way too often over the last... 10 years. (I say it's a strong 4 out of 5).

    BTDubs... I can barely tolerate Bradley Cooper either, but I cannot cosign the after credits scene, Pemora. Seriously... if they make that flick, I might yak on GP.


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