Clash of the Titans [review]....by IMTHATDUDE

CLASH OF THE TITANS

by IMTHATDUDE

I’m sure they did the right thing from a fiscal perspective (by they I mean the actors and the producers), but they did this audience member  a disservice; while not an all out assault on my intelligence, it was certainly a Bugs Bunny brick in the glove slap.  I was trying to figure out how to work in something about preferring to see 2hours of a Teen Titans movie in 3D, but I refuse to put more effort into my jokes about this Clash than they put into the directing, production and writing.  Andy Montana, my homebody, had a good line with something about sinking like the Titanic, but I don’t remember exactly what he said and I wouldn’t want to steal his joke like the director Louis Leterrier (Transporter 2, The Incredible Hulk) and writers Travis Beacham (Dog Days of Summer…?  Never saw it, don’t think I want to if Clash is any indication) and Phil Hay (Aeon Flux, Crazy/Beautiful) stole my money and time – because that would just be plain ole wrong.

(ASIDE:  I never want to hear anybody complain about being broke again.  Not only did this crap make over $60M, but “Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too?” made $30M this weekend.  If Americans have that much money to spend on a Tyler Perry flick, I say STFU about a recession and unemployment rates.)

THE PLAYERS:

Sam Worthington (Terminator: Salvation, Avatar) as Perseus, bastard son of Zeus (in the truest since, he literally doesn’t know who his father is and then when he learns the answer, he doesn’t accept him.  Sam, I want to believe you can act.  I really do, but you’re going to have to do a lot better than the last few flicks have suggested.  Something tells me you can; although you could just be the Auzzie Keanu Reeves.

Liam Neeson (Batman Begins, Taken) as Zeus, king of the gods. Dang, Liam, how the mighty have fallen.  What next?  The A-Team movie?  Oh wait, yes.  That IS what’s next for you.  I guess as long as they cut the right check, it’s all good.  I can’t knock your hustle.

Ralph Fiennes (The Constant Gardener, and Voldemort from the Harry Potter flicks) as Hades, disgruntled brother of Zeus & ruler of the underworld.  I think I know where Ralph FIENNES (sorry, that was very Gene Shalit of me) his inspiration for this role.  Mumm Ra from the Thundercats. 

Gemma Arterton (Rock n Rolla, Quantum of Solace ) as Io, the never aging demi-god who watches over Perseus.

Alexa Davalos (The Mist, Defiance) as Andromeda, the supremely hot daughter of a heretical king and queen of Argos who have defied the gods – which includes toppling Zeus’s statue.

Mads Mikkelsen (King Arthur, Casino Royale) as Draco one of the warriors of Argos sent on a mission with Perseus.

and Mac as the likely computer platform used to create a lot of the visual effects used in the movie. 

Also noteworthy is the sexy in green Natalia Vodianova as Medusa.

With a budget of over $120M, you’d think they could have spent a few more days on the story.  I know it’s a remake, but the first one was basically a B-movie, so when you remake a B-movie, here’s a little suggestion… MAKE IT BETTER.  I’d rather watch Harry Hamlin futz around with the stop-motion animated Kraken monster than the CGI- laden 3D waste of good graphics that was Clash of the Titans. 

IF YOU MUST KNOW:

Zeus (Neeson) thinks his creation (mankind) has lost their collective minds and forgotten their place.  Hades (Fiennes) approaches Zeus with a plan to get people to respect and worship the gods again.  SPOILER ALERT!!!, Hades is a bit of a devil, so it would behoove anyone dealing him to be aware of his duplicity.  That and he was apparently tricked into ruling over the underworld. 

Riddle me this: How does a filmmaker make a woman easy on the eyes like Gemma Arterton (Io) – while half-naked in a mini-toga LESS hot? Answer: Cast her in Clash of the Titans. 

Anyway, the plan is to unleash the Kraken and punish Argos for mocking and defying the gods thereby turning mankind back to the waiting arms of Zeus who loves them.  DO I have to say it?  Do I?  Fine.  Zeus is a dumba$$ and so am I for paying to see this movie.

Do not - I repeat - DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE IN 3D.  Under no circumstances is it worth $16 to venture out into the unpredictable land of a movie audience (with their strollers and text messages and cell phone convos and talkative dates) and watch a movie of this caliber for that amount of doe.  I promise, you will feel equally as entertained simply staring at your $16 for a couple of hours. 

All in all, I recommend watching this movie on an airplane if you have an insanely long flight or Netflix.  Aside from that, I’d save my money for something slightly less lame (but not Hot Tub Time Machine – that was pretty lame too.  The microwave review will be done soon.) 

That Dude gives Clash of the Titans: 2

RATING SYSTEM:

1. They make crap this pure?
2. Couldn’t be more under-whelmed.
3. Not too shabby, I won’t ask for my money back.
4. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good./Worth the 12 bucks.
5. Why are you reading this and not seeing this movie? Jackass.