by ImTHATdude
I’d be surprised and a little disappointed if you didn’t already know that I have an aversion to love stories. Not the “love” just theatrical love stories; just the campy, touchy-feely, chick flicky, emotional heartstring tuggy crap But why? How could the Undisputed Light Heavyweight Champion of Romantic Dudes, at least on the Planet of Brooklyn, feel like that about love stories? Because I hate going to the theatre and dealing with you annoying movie-daters (the ones who talk and ask asinine questions during the movie); these moviegoers are #2 on my list of expendables. Needless to say, if you are one of these people, I probably wouldn’t like you very much in or out of the theatre. What list, dude? I’m so glad you asked. Here’re the Top-5 types of moviegoers that make me want to punch them in the neck:
1) Unruly children with new-school parents who refuse to discipline these kids or, in the alternative, make them shut the hell up. (Yes, both parent(s) and child(ren) deserve and could get a neck-punch.)
2) People who feel the need to ask dumbass questions in their outside voice. Movie chatter may be permitted, but your INSIDE voice is not a suggestion – it’s a requirement. (I once with out with a woman who was cute and smart and funny and sweet and unfortunately loquacious chick who failed to use her inside voice in the theatre while asking me a never ending series of stupid questions. I never called that mouthy winch again.)
3) People so tethered to their mobiles that they forget they’re in theatre and the other people there did not agree to have you make the theatre glow like a Kanye West concert when you could’ve just texted outside and saved the ticket doe? The phone may be smart, but you… no so much.
4) People with loud snacks. (BTW: Popcorn, M&M Peanuts, or anything else that crackles every time you chew it… not cool, man. Not kewl.) Do you have any idea how loud 50 people crackling popcorn and M&M’s can be just as there’s supposed to be a quiet poignant moment? If you don’t, it’s because you are likely a #4. Popcorn eating bastard. Save yourself a neck punch and go with Raisinettes, which is clearly the superior movie snack anyway.
5) Last, but not least, are the tardy moviegoers who ask you to move so they can sit together and not be inconvenienced while you have to be inconvenienced and accommodate them because you got there early enough to scope out a boss spot (I hear “boss” made a comeback, so I’m trying it out).
What the hell was I talking about? Riiiight. Date flicks. I hate these movies because you will inevitably run into a higher percentage than usual of people who fall into ALL of the above categories. That’s almost enough to make you cop a bootleg for five bucks and skip the hassle of the $13 ticket racket altogether. Despite all my visceral yet justified disdain, I braved the possible fisticuffs and saw Crazy Stupid Love.
VITALS:
Dan Fogleman (Fred Clause) – Writer
Glen Ficarra (I Loe You Phillip Morris) – Director
Steve Carell (Dinner for Schmucks) -
Ryan Gosling (Blue Valentine) - Jacob
Julianne Moore (The Kids Are Alright) – Emily
Kevin Bacon (X-Men: First Class) – David Lindhagen (full name’s important)
Analeigh Tipton (Green Hornet) – Jessica
Emma Stone (Easy A) – Hannah
Marisa Tomei (The
Liz Lipira (Fast & Furious) – Liz (very creative with the name selection)
IF YOU MUST KNOW:
Cal and Emily, married 25 years (childhood sweethearts) find themselves in a stale marriage. Emily cheats on
So Jacob (Gosling), playa that he is, runs into Cal and wants to help Cal rediscover his manhood, until Jacob unexpectedly falls for the lovely Hannah (Stone). FYI: I loves me some Emma Stone.
The twists and turns this movie takes are enough to keep you interested, but not enough to be ridiculous to the point of absurdity. (Most romantic comedies are ridiculous to the point of absurdity. There’s nothing I find more frustrating in those movies than an easily fixable situation being exacerbated by the moronitude of the protagonists. Yes, I made up another word. I’m going to make up words until Merriam Webster’s Dictionary picks some of them up. As far as I’m concerned, “moronitude” is every bit as justifiable as say - “bling.”)
Story eventually ends, of course, but when it does, you’ve laughed plenty, and you’ve not felt like you’ve been fed the same ole pre-packaged meal you ordinarily get with Rom-Coms. (Hopefully, you have not cried at all, unless you’re THAT kind of moviegoer – in which case, yes, I hate you – you’re #6). Although, technically, you have. So, Gosling was good. Carell was Carell. Julianne Moore - well, I got a thing for redheads... and brunettes... and blondes (FYI: Emma Stone is actually blonde but rocking the redhead look... very interesting).
ImTHATdude gives Crazy Stupid Love – 4
5 = You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!
4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.
3 = I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.
2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…
1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.
by ImTHATdude
If you’re over the age of 23 and you’ve had more than one real job (and I mean gainful employment - not something you freaknasty kids give out bracelets for...) in your lifetime, you’ve probably had a horrible boss or two. I’ve had more than a few HB situations in my illustrious anti-lucrative career and I certainly imagined... For example, I had one woman who the very thinking of her true name is forbidden, so let’s call her “Mrs. Voldemort.” Mrs. V once called out for me a total of 78 times in less than 8 hours; on the 65th time, I was summoned into her office to discuss a disposition I had drafted for the 4th time. I was told on time #3 to implement her handwritten edits precisely (mind you, I do have a law degree and 10 yrs experience, but whatever). Anyway, I did my crappy job and brought her back the document somewhere in between shouts ##36-43. She read them, and on shout #65 proceeded to berate me about her changes not making any sense. When I showed her it was her handwriting and that I’d simply transcribed (language I had objected to from the outset), she told me “Just because I said it and told you to do it, doesn’t mean it makes any sense!” Of course, my handy notepad came out IMMEDIATELY – you have to savor those precious gems. Let’s just say, she didn’t last long as my horrible boss. You can’t contain that kinda crazy. Not possible. Talking to her was like watching that opening scene from Wedding Crashers; the one when they’re at the mediation and the woman tells her soon to be ex-husband to “shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
VITALS:
Jason Bateman (Couple’s Retreat) - Nick
Jason Sudekis (SNL) - Kurt
Charlie Day (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) - Dale
Kevin Spacey (Casino Jack) – Dave (Nick’s HB)
Colin Farrell (Fright Night) – Bobby Pellit (Kurt’s HB)
Jennifer Aniston (Just Go With It) – Dr. Harris (Dale’s HB)
Seth Gordon (Four Christmases) - Director
Michael Markowitz - Writer
IF YOU MUST KNOW:
Nick (Bateman), Kurt (Sudekis), and Dale (Day) have been buddies since high school. Now, in their 30s (give or take), each of them works in what would be a perfectly fulfilling job, with the one obvious exception. Horrible Bosses. Nick, a hard-working corporate exec, works for Dave (Spacey) who is truly horrible and subjects him to some of the dirtiest corporate skullduggery imaginable. Dave’s so treacherous that you almost want to applaud him for being that awful. Kurt starts out working for a father figure Mr. Pellit (played by Donald Sutherland), but when the good boss dies unexpectedly, his son, Bobby (Farrell), takes over. Bobby’s an addlebrained coke-head scumbag who engages in pure douchebaggery (I swear that’s a word… or should be) and snorts and screws the business into oblivion.
And then there’s Dale (Day)… Dale works for the hottest dentist this side of consciousness Julia (Aniston). His boss’s psychotic sadistic issue… she’s super horny and handsy. I know. You’re thinking… WHAT!? What’s this moron’s problem? Well, Dale’s about to get married and Julia threatens his nuptials by demanding the ole braciole from Dale. She sexually assaults him and her other patrons while they’re unconscious… this is supposed to horrify us… somehow, I can’t help but think, this guy doesn’t have much to complain about. It’s not sexual harassment if she’s hot. I’m pretty sure Justice Scalia wrote that Supreme Court opinion already.
So, the long and short is, after a particularly rough patch at work followed by a hard night of libation & commiserating, Dale, Nick and Kurt, with the help of a murder consultant (played by Jaime Foxx who looks very Mike Tyson), decide it would be awesome to kill each other’s bosses (a la “Strangers on a Train”). Here’s where the ridiculousness sets in and the movie gets to be pretty entertaining.
Despite his character’s foolish refusal to give his HB what she wants, Charlie Day is FUNNY. Julia and Dale’s interplay is the best part of this movie. It was dope to hear Jennifer Aniston with such a potty mouth. She should talk like that every movie. As for Charlie Day, this guy’s built for comedy. Even his voice is funny. I wonder if people can take him seriously when he argues with them in real life. Check out “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” pure comic relief.
SIDE NOTE: I’m leaving Netflix and taking my talents to Blockbuster and Redbox.
ImTHATdude gives Horrible Bosses – 4
REVISED RATING SYSTEM:
5 = You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!
4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.
3 = I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.
2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…
1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.
