Crazy Stupid Love

by ImTHATdude

I’d be surprised and a little disappointed if you didn’t already know that I have an aversion to love stories. Not the “love” just theatrical love stories; just the campy, touchy-feely, chick flicky, emotional heartstring tuggy crap But why? How could the Undisputed Light Heavyweight Champion of Romantic Dudes, at least on the Planet of Brooklyn, feel like that about love stories? Because I hate going to the theatre and dealing with you annoying movie-daters (the ones who talk and ask asinine questions during the movie); these moviegoers are #2 on my list of expendables. Needless to say, if you are one of these people, I probably wouldn’t like you very much in or out of the theatre. What list, dude? I’m so glad you asked. Here’re the Top-5 types of moviegoers that make me want to punch them in the neck: that passes for a date movie.

1) Unruly children with new-school parents who refuse to discipline these kids or, in the alternative, make them shut the hell up. (Yes, both parent(s) and child(ren) deserve and could get a neck-punch.)

2) People who feel the need to ask dumbass questions in their outside voice. Movie chatter may be permitted, but your INSIDE voice is not a suggestion – it’s a requirement. (I once with out with a woman who was cute and smart and funny and sweet and unfortunately loquacious chick who failed to use her inside voice in the theatre while asking me a never ending series of stupid questions. I never called that mouthy winch again.)

3) People so tethered to their mobiles that they forget they’re in theatre and the other people there did not agree to have you make the theatre glow like a Kanye West concert when you could’ve just texted outside and saved the ticket doe? The phone may be smart, but you… no so much.

4) People with loud snacks. (BTW: Popcorn, M&M Peanuts, or anything else that crackles every time you chew it… not cool, man. Not kewl.) Do you have any idea how loud 50 people crackling popcorn and M&M’s can be just as there’s supposed to be a quiet poignant moment? If you don’t, it’s because you are likely a #4. Popcorn eating bastard. Save yourself a neck punch and go with Raisinettes, which is clearly the superior movie snack anyway.

5) Last, but not least, are the tardy moviegoers who ask you to move so they can sit together and not be inconvenienced while you have to be inconvenienced and accommodate them because you got there early enough to scope out a boss spot (I hear “boss” made a comeback, so I’m trying it out).

What the hell was I talking about? Riiiight. Date flicks. I hate these movies because you will inevitably run into a higher percentage than usual of people who fall into ALL of the above categories. That’s almost enough to make you cop a bootleg for five bucks and skip the hassle of the $13 ticket racket altogether. Despite all my visceral yet justified disdain, I braved the possible fisticuffs and saw Crazy Stupid Love.

VITALS:

Dan Fogleman (Fred Clause) – Writer

Glen Ficarra (I Loe You Phillip Morris) – Director

Steve Carell (Dinner for Schmucks) - Cal

Ryan Gosling (Blue Valentine) - Jacob

Julianne Moore (The Kids Are Alright) – Emily

Kevin Bacon (X-Men: First Class) – David Lindhagen (full name’s important)

Analeigh Tipton (Green Hornet) – Jessica

Emma Stone (Easy A) – Hannah

Marisa Tomei (The Lincoln Lawyer) - Kate

Liz Lipira (Fast & Furious) – Liz (very creative with the name selection)

IF YOU MUST KNOW:

First scene of the movie, Cal (Carell) asks for the crème brulee exactly while his wife, Emily (Moore), asks him for a divorce. What the Johnny Drama!? Right there, you know this movie has potential. I feel like if I talked too much about the plot it’ll demystify it for you… Commencing the demystification....... NOW

Cal and Emily, married 25 years (childhood sweethearts) find themselves in a stale marriage. Emily cheats on Cal with David Lindhagen (Bacon). DAVID LINDHAGEN! Emily and Cal become estranged. And, the rest of the movie’s about them figuring out how and if they can live on their own or if they’ve really made a mistake. Answer: Yes! Oh, and they have kids with their own myriad love issues.

So Jacob (Gosling), playa that he is, runs into Cal and wants to help Cal rediscover his manhood, until Jacob unexpectedly falls for the lovely Hannah (Stone). FYI: I loves me some Emma Stone.

The twists and turns this movie takes are enough to keep you interested, but not enough to be ridiculous to the point of absurdity. (Most romantic comedies are ridiculous to the point of absurdity. There’s nothing I find more frustrating in those movies than an easily fixable situation being exacerbated by the moronitude of the protagonists. Yes, I made up another word. I’m going to make up words until Merriam Webster’s Dictionary picks some of them up. As far as I’m concerned, “moronitude” is every bit as justifiable as say - “bling.”)

Story eventually ends, of course, but when it does, you’ve laughed plenty, and you’ve not felt like you’ve been fed the same ole pre-packaged meal you ordinarily get with Rom-Coms. (Hopefully, you have not cried at all, unless you’re THAT kind of moviegoer – in which case, yes, I hate you – you’re #6). Although, technically, you have. So, Gosling was good. Carell was Carell. Julianne Moore - well, I got a thing for redheads... and brunettes... and blondes (FYI: Emma Stone is actually blonde but rocking the redhead look... very interesting).

BTW: Shout out to Marisa Tomei, your "crazy" was so crazy, I think I might have dated you before...

ImTHATdude gives Crazy Stupid Love – 4

REVISED RATING SYSTEM:

5 = You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!

4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.

3 = I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.

2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…

1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.