Captain America: The First Avenger

by ImTHATdude

Befuddled. I can’t remember the last time I was BEFUDDLED before seeing Captain America: The First Avenger. Oh yes, I do. It was that time in Vegas at a “Gentleman’s Club” when they introduced two strippers back-to-back named Candy. What are the chances!? It seems the power of the SGA (Strippers Guild of America) has seriously taken a hit in this economy. Anyway, with Capt. America being from out of Brooklyn and all, I semi-hoped to like this movie. Hope springs eternal (... until it stops). Instead, I was left with that same befuddled expression I most certainly had on my face as I sat in Cheetah's smelling the scent of broken dreams, past/current abusive relationships, and weird mixtures of "Midnight Pomegranate" & "Warm Vanilla Sugar" lotion, mingling with the tart odor of poor education as it emanated in no small portion from Candy and Kandi. See you soon, ladies. (He says with a Tina Fey/Sarah Palin wink and gunshot point.) I kid, it's a recession. You not seeing my ones ($1) - not again, that is...


VITALS:


Joe Johnston (The Wolfman) – Director
Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely (The Chronicles of Narnia) - Writers
Chris Evans (The Losers) – Steve Rogers/Capt. America
Tommy Lee Jones (The Company Men) – Col. Phillips
Hayley Atwell (The Duchess) – Peggy Carter
Sebastian Stan (Black Swan) – “Bucky”
Hugo Weaving (The Wolfman) – Schmidt/Red Skull
Stanley Tucci (Easy A) – Dr. Erskine


IF YOU MUST KNOW:


Set during WWII, Steve Rogers (Evans) is an emaciated sickly kid with all sorts of issues including a huge chip on his shoulder and a desire to do his part and fight for blah blah blah… After repeated tries to enlist in the US Army, Rogers is summarily rejected in light of his multiple ailments, but not his homeboy, “Bucky.” Bucky gets busy. Eventually, Rogers catches the eye in of Dr. Erskine (Tucci) for his valor - not in the way Ryan Gosling catches pemora's eye. Rogers is chosen to become the first American Super Soldier with a serum that enhances an individual's characteristics like courage, honor, loyalty - screw that, the serum made him taller, stronger, faster, and healthy.


Agent Carter (Atwell) was grossly underutilized, but did her job as the eye-candy with a little edge. Col. Phillips (Jones) was a proper grump. For what it's worth, Evans played Capt. America well. The problem is, I never read Capt. America comics - not after reading a couple in the store when I was a kid. Back then, I thought he was kind of a geek and pretty freaking corny compared to the X-Men and Spiderman... Good to know that somethings never change.
If I may be blunt for once, I was kind of lulled to a sense of abject complacency about this movie. And my expectations were soooo minimal… All the ingredients were there. A-List actors. Seasoned writers and directors. A built-in audience. Yet, majestically, this nerd from Brooklyn was definitely living south of under-whelmed for a couple hours. Capt. America is clearly better than Thor & Green Lantern, but being markedly better than Green Lantern & Thor ain't much to brag about. That's unfair. Thor was only kinda lame; Green Lantern was - as zee French zay… “garbage” .

ImTHATdude gives Captain America: The First Avenger – 2/I know it has a pulse, but…

REVISED RATING SYSTEM:

5 = You should be about halfway to the theatre by now… Well… GET!
4 = Definitely worth the bread. Niiice.
3 = I won’t cuss anybody out and demand my paper back.
2 = Somewhere SOUTH of under-whelmed./I know it has a pulse, but…
1 = Not a good look. They played me AND I played myself.