By now, most of you know that I’m a recovering Zoeholic
Six months sober.
Thank you, thank you. It has been hard. No pun intended. I just mean that she is everywhere these days – but she isn’t why I hustled to see the Losers. Syke, nah. She is EXACTLY why I hustled out to see the Losers and it was almost worth the effort. In a season where moviegoers will be treated to such other intellectually stimulating and hard-hitting unoriginal films as the Expendables (with Stallone) and the A-Team (with Bradley Cooper), how does one choose which flick to risk throwing away your money? Simple answer: the one that boasts a repeatedly half-nekkid Zoe Saldana. Hence, my stub. (Hmmm, okay, so I did intend that pun, but in fairness to me, I did also just see a movie a movie called the Losers because there was a half-nekkid woman in it, so... I think you see who you’re dealing with here.) Aside: Eff you, James Cameron. Eff you for getting me to buy the Avatar Blu-ray/DVD Combo with no extras of anything on them. You sadistic bastard. Now, I have to wait until November to know how 10-feet tall blue Afro-Carribean-esque alien/human-hybrids bone. Bloody hell! Just for that, I’m going to wait at least 24 hours to see your next movie. That is your punishment, my friend. Deal with it.
Directed by Sylvain White (Stomp the Yard) and penned by the ever-intriguing Peter Berg (Very Bad Things, Friday Night Lights – big and small screen) and james Vanderbilt (Basic and the Rundown), the Losers is the big screen adaptation of a graphic novel by the same name – or so I had heard. Full disclosure: I cain’t read! The Losers stars my girl Zoe (Star trek, Avatar), Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Watchmen, Taking Woodstock), Idris Elba (Obsessed, RocknRolla), Chris Evans (Fantastic 4, Street Kings), Columbus Short (Cadillac Records, Armored), Oscar Jaenada (Che: Part II), and Jason Patric (Narc, In the Valley of Elah).
IF YOU MUST KNOW
A bad ass band of military specialists headed by Clay (Morgan) have just been betrayed by the CIA on foreign soil after a botched mission. Presumed dead – in this day and age, even CSI Bed Stuy would’ve known that they faked their own deaths [NOT A SPOILER.] – and biding their time until vengeance can be served upon those responsible, these misfits/outlaws meet up with the mysterious Aisha (Zoe), who offers to help get them back stateside for payback of the injustice done to them.
Yada yada yada… the Losers find out who jukked them and this erratically entertaining pissed off ex-military crew take Aisha’s offer and go after Max (Patric), the CIA agent responsible for their predicament.
Long and short of it all - Max, the villain was only mildly entertaining (writing or directing issue, not really an acting one from what I could tell) and the plot twists were predictable, so much so that I thought maybe I was wrong and they did manage to shift away from the paradigmatic roadmap of archetypal character interplay. Not sure I know what I just said, but it kind of sounded right in my mind for a second, so I’m going to leave it that way. Of course, I was right… as usual. No surprises in this movie, which is fine. But all action movies have a twist or two – all GREAT action movies have at least one unforeseen twist that makes it impossible to properly gauge the course of the remainder of the film. Here, for me, there was no such game changer.
Sure, there’s a brief moment of Zoe side-boob, but that’s not nearly enough to raise this movie to the level of a movie like Iron Man. But then again, it was kinda cool. Fine. This movie is a guilty pleasure flick. Nothing about it was particularly awesome, but there was definite entertainment value. I enjoyed it, even after they insulted my action moviegoer intelligence with their super-secret new weapon concept (the “Snuke”). The bad guy was weak despite shooting someone in the face, the plot was eh, but there’s enough of the explosions and comedy to make this acceptable – that, and Zoe make it worth seeing (DVD or time killer on a weekend).
DAMMIT! I’m that dude and I’m a Zoeholic. I’ve been sober for two sentences.
That Dude gives The Losers: 3 (I’m deducting a full point for the Snuke and the completely unintimidating villain. If you see it, you will too.)
1. They make crap this pure?
2. Couldn’t be more under-whelmed.
3. Not too shabby, I won’t ask for my money back.
4. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good./Worth the 12 bucks.
5. Why are you reading this and not seeing this movie? Jackass.